Exclusive: Leafs Hub has acquired a draft of the job description for the the open Maple Leafs General Manager position. Here’s what we found:
Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment is currently seeking an experienced, forward-thinking hockey executive named Kyle Dubas to lead the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club.
Brendan Shanahan, President and Alternate Governor
- Ability to perform and achieve results under intense pressure and media/fan scrutiny. Hope you enjoyed the shelter…you’ll be on your own, bud. Don’t embarrass us.
- Ability to communicate effectively with the media and not lose your shit completely (AKA: NEVER feed the animals).
- At least 13 years of experience being able to drink legally.
- Ability to work within a strict financial budget. HAHAHAHAHA you know we print money, Dubie. Feel free to spend like a drunken sailor.
Core job duties:
- Oversee existing management team. Except for Mark Hunter, who will report directly to Brendan Shanahan because he will never in a million years report to your 32 year old bitch ass, Kyle. Mark really should be the GM. All the hockey people agree. Always remember that. I’m sure Mark will help you keep that top of mind if you’re worried about forgetting. We believe in you, though! Side note: Mark Hunter will directly oversee Scouting staff, Player Development staff, Hockey Research and Development staff, Medical staff, Equipment staff, Media Relations staff, as well as the Maple Leafs Community Representatives.
- Keep Mike Babcock believing that he has all the power. You may be the GM, but Mike needs to think that he’s actually your boss. It needs to be really believable. Because he actually is your boss, and he actually does have all the power. But even if it doesn’t look like it, you alone will know that you’re actually in charge of him. Even if you really aren’t.
- Manage Brendan Pridham. You can’t fire him, though, because he’s a Shanny signing and he’s super smart with the cap. So, overall, the “manager” side of this role should be pretty simple.
- Administer and manage all player transactions. This includes acquiring a top-tier center. Preferably a UFA. Between 26 and 28 years old. We’re thinking one from Ontario. Like, Mississauga, for example. He could currently play for the a team like, I dunno, the Islanders? His name is John Tavares. Sign John Tavares, Kyle.
- Retool the defense, ASAP. Morgan Rielly stays. So don’t even go there. You’ll love that Dermott kid. Keep him, too. You’ll have to pry Zaitsev from the coach’s cold dead hands. So you’re already basically halfway there. Hainsey’s contract is “probably” not movable. That’s 4/7. See it’s easier than you thought! So, just decide what the ef to do with Jake (missing since game 6) and Conner (Babcock hates him for Babcock reasons), somehow get a solid right-shot dman for the top pairing without selling the farm, and land another solid option for the bottom pairing. Should be super easy. Good luck!
- Don’t worry about being a liaison between Babcock and Auston Matthews. They don’t need your help. Please. For the love of God. Our future doesn’t depend on this. We categorically deny any sort of coach/player rift. It’s just not true. So don’t worry about it. And don’t make this your TOP priority.
- After you don’t do the above, you’ll need to work on getting Matthews, Nylander and Marner signed to long-term cap-friendly deals. Remember, you hold ALL the cards. So feel free to really put the screws to them. But we’re literally nothing without them…so keep all three of them happy, please. You might feel like those two ideas are mutually exclusive, and you aren’t wrong. Now get it done!
- NO MORE ‘SWEET CAROLINE’ IN THE ACC. EVER. Our fans deserve this one simple goddam thing.
- Succeed while our window is open wide. The East is ripe for the taking. The Senators are Menlyking their way to oblivion. The Habs are on a firm trajectory to rock bottom. The Pens are getting old. The Bruins’ window is closing fast (oh hey, it just closed!). Tampa will be a problem for the foreseeable future….but the rest of the East is beatable AF. The West is a shadow of its former self, too. So don’t screw around. Win now. Do it. DOOOOO ITTTTTTTTT.
Qualified candidates please see online application here.
Maple Leafs Sport & Entertainment