Although this is volume VII of the Hocktionary, I promise that this will not be like Star Wars VII; no disjointedly sewn together plots, no emo villains and I will not kill one of the coolest characters of all time. Instead, I will continue to provide you with a hockey education through terminology and pedantry.
Seriously though, what was up with Supreme Leader Snoke and Captain Phasma….ok ok, I’ll stay on topic.
Barn Burner – This is a pre-season ritual in which, to ensure the favour of the hockey gods, each team burns down a barn full of their prized animals in sacrifice to the one true God….Wendel Clark. Wendel looks upon his tributes and bestows his favour upon those who have pleased him. Actually it’s just a term for a high scoring game….but now I’m craving a steak.
Cage – This is the term for a full-face cage-like face protector worn mostly in the minor young leagues and children’s hockey. In the NHL it’s really only worn by players who are recovering from a facial injury that is vulnerable to re-injury. Players who wear facial protection often say they are mocked by others for being cowards….because apparently hockey players think that not wanting to lose eyeballs and teeth is cowardly. Two words boys….Bryan Berard!
Full Strength – After one team controls the puck for more than 5 straight minutes in a period, a yellow star appears at center ice and, when it is touched by a player, the music speeds up, they begin to glow and they are at maximum strength and cannot die when they touch koopas or bob-bombs. Oh wait…I think that was when I was playing Mario Run. In hockey, this is when you are playing with all five skaters, meaning nobody is in the penalty box.
The Rocket – There have been a few variations of this nickname given to other players; Pocket Rocket, Russian Rocket etc, however “The Rocket” refers to Maurice Richard. Even Leafs fans cannot deny that The Rocket was an incredible player; he played for Montreal for 18 seasons and was the first player to score 50 goals in one season. He set numerous records for scoring; first to score 50 in 50 games, first to 500 career goals etc. and the current NHL scoring trophy is named after him. He was also no pushover, he often was forced to play with grit as opposing teams tried to stop his scoring; causing him to be suspended during the playoffs in 1955 for a violent slash. The suspension caused rioting in the city of Montreal. Also, he looked a lot like my own grandfather, so this guy was awesome.
Healthy Scratch – This is when you the goalie has a really itchy back but cannot scratch it because of his huge padding and large gloves. The rookie on the team has to then come and scratch the goalie’s back with their own stick while singing a song of the goalie’s choice. Psyche! It’s when a player who is not injured is not used in a game. This is often a punishment against a player by a coach- not letting the player actually play.
Own Goal – see Patrick Laine. Hahahahahahahahaha, that will never not be funny.
This is when you score a goal against your own team. It’s like sleeping with your cousin- you can score but it’s on your own team.
Zebra – A nickname for a referee, referencing the black and white stripes of their shirts. It could also be a reference to their general level of intelligence and knowledge of the game of hockey in cases of refs such as Kerry Fraser (I’m never letting it go).
Patrick Roy – a former NHL goalie, take good note that he is French, therefore his surname is pronounced “rwah”- not “r’oy” or “wah”….if you’re Canadian, you should know this. Often considered on of the greats and credited for popularizing the butterfly style, Roy was known not only for his on-ice skill but also his ever-present temper. After his coach with Montreal left him in to be humiliated in a 11-1 loss to Detroit, Roy stormed off the ice and raged against the team, vowing to never play for them again (he was then traded to Colorado). He was a typical superstitious goaltender, often noted for talking to his goal posts, however his skill in net helped him to 4 Cups and multiple other awards. When opposition player Jeremy Roenick made a snide comment about him in the playoffs, Roy famously retorted “I can’t really hear what Jeremy says, because I’ve got my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears.”
Alright my friends, go forth and use your new knowledge to impress your new hockey friends and random strangers in sports bars alike.